As everyone knows, all my annual predictions for Vernon have come true (except for the 1999 part about giant carnivorous chickens downtown)! Now it is my pleasure to reveal the auguries for Vernon's next adventurous year:
A giant Cuckoo Clock of Progress will be constructed on a 300 ft. high solid granite block in the heart of Vernon, NJ! The clock will tick once a year, and the giant cuckoo will only come out once every hundred years! Once it is built, this symbol of progress will inspire people of all ages to have hope for the future, and will therefore bring millions of visitors to Vernon every year for the next ten thousand years! Like Stonehenge, the Vernon Clock of Progress will be made entirely of large, worthless materials and will take a very long time to construct.
Polar bears, preferring the more favorable survival conditions in New Jersey, will leave Alaska and migrate by the thousands to Vernon, NJ! Homeowners will be fined $1000. if they fail to put steel bars on their windows and doors and if they do not use the 4000 lb. concrete garbage containers required by the state.
Vernon NJ will host the international SUV Winter Grand Prix races! The course will begin at the top of Barrett Road and will continue on Rt. 94 through the center of Vernon, then up to the top of Breakneck Road and onto Canistear Road until it meets Rt. 23, where the SUVs will turn around [the vision becomes hazy here] and will race to the finish line at Cliffwood Lake! This event, held annually, will attract competitive SUV teams from all over the world! A new hotel/village and training center at Cliffwood Lake will accommodate the crowds.
Heavy machinery operators levelling a steep grade on town-owned park property in Vernon will uncover a large stone with a silver, jewel-encrusted sword bearing the inscription EXCALIBUR sticking out of it! Local farmers will say countless stone /sword thingies are to be found everywhere hereabouts, and will support the town council's claim that the discovery is of no particular value. An interior decorator from NYC will cart the whole thing away for $25.00 and put it in a warehouse, where a security guard will pull out the sword and become King of England, proving that the Vernon farmers were right!
Mexican laborers hired to pack out shelves overnight at the Warwick ShopRite will accidentally puncture a jumbo box of cornflakes stuffed with thousand-dollar bills! They will use the cash to open a Taco Bell franchise in the new Vernon Town Center!
Scuba divers plumbing the depths of Lake Wanda will come upon the ruins of a silver mining operation dating back to the 13th century! The lake will be purchased by the American Dental Association.
Even if none of these exciting predictions come true (btw I have
never been wrong),
Vernon will continue to be known as the
home of the most brilliant, neighborly, alert and fascinating people in the world!
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