As everyone knows, all my annual predictions for Vernon have come true (except for the 1999 part about giant carnivorous chickens downtown)! Now it is my pleasure to reveal the auguries for Vernon's next adventurous year:
Famous agribusiness company Archer Daniels Midland Corp. will acquire all the golf courses in Vernon and Hardyston and turn them into cattle ranches! This will create exciting new job opportunities and will alleviate some traffic problems in Vernon, but the resulting cattle-related methane emissions will eventually create a hole in the Ozone layer above NJ! The Vernon Ozone Hole will be mistakenly blamed on emissions from an underground fungus growing on local tree roots, which will prompt calls for area-wide deforestation as a way of saving the NJ environment!
Vernon will make international headlines when the waters of the Canistear Reservoir disappear completely, laying bare a suburb of the Lost Continent of Atlantis! The Canistear artifacts will reveal an Atlantean subculture of affluent, highly mobile suburban migrants with no skilled occupations, but whose great purpose in life was to spend money!
A five mile long , five mile deep sinkhole will interrupt construction of a mammoth cooperative apartment complex in Vernon on Route 94 across from Great Gorge Village! It is foreseen that this will yield a new tourist attraction, Limestone Gulch, which will bring millions of dollars to local businesses and restaurants!
Gigantic MTBE-mutated snails, roughly the size of sports utility vehicles, will threaten to devastate the landscape of downtown Vernon! The massive, gaseous arthropods will wreak havoc until they are finally trapped in the A&P parking lot and dissolved by volunteer firefighters using beer cannons!
An alien spacecraft will land on the Maple Grange property in Vernon, and the arriving extraterrestrials will claim that the land was one of their earliest territorial colonies, established 20 million earth years ago! The visitors from space will prove that they gave the land back to the local natives in exchange for 5000 native handicraft novelties, mineral specimens and assorted cookware items! A payment which they never received and had come back to demand, on pain of reclaiming their Vernon colony! Beyond this event the vision grows hazy, so my advice is to hand over those trinkets!
A 1700-ft.-high bronze statue of Eugene Mulvihill will be erected at the junction Rt. 638 and Rt. 515 overlooking Vernon Valley! Bristling with antennas and visible for hundreds of miles, this colossal monument to the county's pioneering megadeveloper will be the Ninth Wonder of the World and will also be NJ's largest wireless telecom facility!
Even if none of these exciting predictions come true (btw I have
never been wrong),
Vernon will continue to be known as the
home of the most brilliant, neighborly, alert and fascinating people in the world!
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