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Dr. E's recycled sub-atomic news (p)articles

Candidate Charles Queechee!Crazy Like a Fox!

My neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes and also Townmeister candidate, is advertising like nobody's business!

Already I have 10 emery boards, 6 wooden rulers, 8 keychains, and a dozen very nice plastic tomahawks (all say: Vote For Charles Queechee If You Know What's Good For You).

Nobody in Lake Wanda can go out of the house for two seconds before they receive one of these items! By now I think everybody here knows to vote for C. Queechee, Vernon Townmeister Candidate of the Wampum Party, but he is leaving nothing to chance!

At the last Fission for Vernon meeting, a scientific demonstration of my nuclear-powered autohydrofracting well attachment (NAHFWATT) was hardly begun when the doors of the barn (we are no longer welcome in the firehouse - I can't remember just why) flew open and there was C. Queechee! Also many Lenni Lenapes, banging drums and handing out propaganda trinkets.

I took 5 refrigerator magnets (Vote For Charles Queechee etc) and said thanks, very polite, but before I could get back to it the NAHFWATT apparatus malfunctioned and shot through the roof.

So what? Lake Wanda residents are used to unidentified objects flying over their houses! SkyLab is still in my backyard, nicht wahr? But this is not my point!

Listen: even though I and most of my FFV colleagues were 90% hearing impaired (temporarily) from the blast, C.Queechee stood up on one of the remaining chairs and gave a speech! Who knows what he said? Afterwards he shook hands with everyone and stayed for coffee.

My point is, no other candidate stopped by to schmooze with FFV. This is maybe because the other candidates have no respect for Lake Wanda or for Science.

So, even though the Lenni Lenapis ate up most of the nice refreshments (typical! why do you think Vernon Burger King is always so crowded!) and even though C. Queechee is clinically insane, I think I will vote for him .

Like my neighbor Dr. Leary says: Charles Queechee may be a Crazy, but he's Our Crazy.

Drugstores! Only the beginning!

All of a sudden there are big drugstores everywhere you look, no? This is because people of all ages are now expected to live in completely altered states of consciousness! One time this would get you in trouble, but not anymore.
Now you are in trouble if you don't take your drugs! No excuses! Drugstores conveniently located all over the place!

My neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, takes a drug so he won't do dangerous things at town meetings (don't ask) or tribal councils.
My neighbor Gladys, an exceptionally large person and famous cook, takes a drug to lose her appetite for good food (why? Go figure!).
My neighbor Elvis (very knowledgeable) even tells me that many schoolboys have to take a drug to make them sit still in school !

Listen, from some tv commercials I can't even tell what the drugs are good for, only that I should ask a doctor. Therefore I asked my neighbor, Dr. Leary (also very knowledgeable), who told me the best thing is to try all available drugs because that's the only way to find out what they're good for.

See? This also explains why it is necessary to have big drugstores everywhere. But so many drugs, so little time! Not a sensible approach, and unfair to many busy people!

For this reason I have created a new device, the Drug Helmet. Every person can program his or her own helmet (digital, has a nice polarized visor, all durable high-impact polystyrene materials) for direct brain stimulation of over 10000000 operating modes, ranging from Sub-Tranquil to Life of the Party!

Even more mood levels will become available on disc from participating drug stores. Without this feature , the Drug Helmet would never get FDA approval, nicht wahr? If I can find the schematic drawings, which maybe I left somewhere at Dr. Leary's garage sale (no big bargains, but wunderbar refreshments provided), tests on subjects 15 to 80 years old should be completed in time for holiday shopping!


So! Mr. Howard Burrell, Vernon townmeister and vegetarian (not me, roast beef every Sunday since cradle days) has thrown his hat in the wringer for Freeholder election. Maybe nobody told him that surveys show most people would rather spend a week in jail than run for office! This is because from going to all the government meetings it becomes impossible to watch tv at night. Also these meetings require a complete suspension of normal adult mental activity. But who cares, that is not my point.

No, I am worried about poor Townmeister Burrell going all the way over to Newton in Y2K! What will happen when there is no more gasoline? And no streetlights, no more friendly glow of tv sets from every window!

Listen, even on a bicycle it will be dangerous to ride home from Newton on a cold night in pitch dark, weak from dehydration (and from vegetarian diet), wolves and bears and cows snapping at his heels the whole way! And for what? By then nobody will care what the Freeholders do (my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, says this is already the case). Whatever it is will be too little too late from those nudniks! Shame on them, always making trouble for the Technological Institute and that nice college over there!

And do the Freeholders plan for what could happen to us from Y2K?
If you think so, you should also clap your hands and Tinkerbell will live.

Not for nothing, Townmeister Burrell should stay here in Vernon if he is elected to Freeholders, and maybe right now he should start pushing the other Vernon townmeisters to buy many horses and lanterns for the town policemen. I am sending a list of other important agenda items for the townmeisters but probably my proposals will be ripped up and ignored like always. I don't send them in by email because I might as well use up my postage stamps before they are worthless.

On second thought maybe one or two worthless stamps I will save as historical artifacts.
The sample ballot I will also be sure to save.

Important Correspondence! Don't Tell!

This is fantastic what the Intrawest people are doing at Mountain Creeks, but what about the rest of the town? No worries! Here is top secret correspondence between myself and an old friend who lived in Lake Wanda many years ago. Do not tell the townmeisters about this yet or you will ruin the surprise!

Dear Sultan,
How are things in Brunei? Back here in Lake Wanda is Ganz Gut. Before I forget, our mutual friend Charles Queechee says hello!

Please do me a favor and buy all of Vernon NJ except the part that is owned by IntraWest, nice people from Canada (maybe you already bought that too?), and the ancestral bingo grounds owned by the Lake Wanda Lenni Lenape Tribe.

When you buy the town, please put sidewalks and canals and also install the gondola transit system, blueprints enclosed , feel free to use anywhere. Also the people here would like a Targets and a movie house ($1.50 at all times) and a racetrack for cars and maybe a university. If I remember anything else I will write again. Wait - put sewers too, please, this is a big favorite with the storekeepers.

Our dear friend Gov. Whitman also thinks it's a good idea for you to buy the place and fix it up nice.

Please remember me to all my scientific colleagues at Fission For Brunei.

Very truly yours,
Dr. E


Dearest E,
Delighted to get your letter! Everyone here sends fondest regards.

I have instructed my staff to take all necessary steps to purchase the real estate you described and to begin construction of the various public amenities you mentioned. It may be necessary to change one or two things in Vernon after I own it, e.g. the government and the name of the town, but these should present no inconvenience to anyone.

I have arranged for every man, woman and child in Vernon to be paid US$1million annually. Will that be enough? Should the people who work at Saxony Bakery be paid more? Will a mere $1mil be an insult to the civil servants? Please advise.

It may not be possible to exclude properties owned by IntraWest or the Lenni Lenape Tribe as I am toying with the idea of setting aside a private hunting and fishing preserve. Either that or a nuclear plant. I'll decide after the New Year.

Just one little thing, please do not write any more letters on used bakery bags because they do not travel well.


GONDOLAS! For The Vernon Ganzer Plan !

On Saturday morning at Saxony Bakery I received some shocking news! My neighbor Elvis was also there, and he nearly choked to death on his linzer tart when another customer told us that the gondola at Mountain Creeks was shut down!

Then I read in the paper that some apparatchik from The State told Mountain Creeks to stop that gondola until they made sure it could not only go up but come down!

Was ist Los! Right away I sent a telegram to my good friend Gov. Whitman, boss of all State buttinskys. She should only know what they are up to while she is on tv (tourist commercials!). I went on that gondola continuously 100 times during Earth Day over there and not once did I have to walk back down. Listen, not for nothing, but Elvis went on it even more times than I did! His clothes alone weigh more than I do! Both of us would have gotten off if we saw a nice snack bar at the top, but no.

Don't worry, by the time you are reading this everything will already be kosher again with the gondola. But what is all this business about taking mountain bicycles with? Does this mean I no longer have to ride my bicycle all the way up the mountain? Good. This is a wunderbar example of Applied Science at Mountain Creeks!

Now I am going to look for a copy of my proposal to put a ski lift (gondola maybe!) on Breakneck Road to send to the townmeisters again, for including in Vernon's Ganzer Plan! WAIT! What about this, a network of gondolas all across the town! Even better than canals! An aerial shopping village on pontoons, with gondola stops all over the place!

The only problem with this is Y2K, when New Year revellers might be stuck in midair. No worries! Solar energy! Windmills! This is child's play compared to nuclear power, no? And I think maybe less expensive, but who cares? Take it from me, after so many grant projects from the government I can tell you, expense is not a consideration in matters of public planning.
That's it! I put a copy of the proposal in my 1998 IRS Time Capsule!
Good thing I threw that time capsule down the cellar last April instead of burying it (a custom I learned from Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes).

FFV Consultant Recommendations!Very Disturbing!

Ever since Earth Day at Mountain Creeks I have had a cold! No, not because of riding up and down the mountain so many times (theory of my neighbor Gladys, a nice person , best chicken soup). I cannot say for sure, but I think my immune response was weakened by that Evening in Paris hoopla over in Warwick. Anyway, a cold affects the operation of the mind, no? All the better to watch tv. Therefore I have not worked on scientific projects nor gone out anywhere, not even to Fisson for Vernon meetings.

When I heard what went on at the last FFV meeting I said to myself, Thank Heaven I did not miss Emergency Vets for this!
S. Geist (consultant) recommended that the A&P excavation is just the right size for a Targets store! Dumbkopf! Who wants to buy targets? This is not such a big item in my book, but then my neighbor Gladys told me that Targets is a big store like WalMart. I don't like the idea because big stores bring big parking lots and I can never remember where I put my bicycle.

But everybody else liked this idea except Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, who has other ideas that I will get to in a moment.

Bad enough the townmeisters don't care about putting nice canals with boardwalks and flower pots downtown or making a ski lift on Breakneck Road or building a movie theatre ($1.50 at all times). Now even at FFV everything revolves around one planning principle: more shopping! Do you see how far this planning group has wandered from its original purpose? Face it, the original Fission concepts are kaput .

Now we come to Charles Queechee, who told me not to worry, because when he is elected townmeister there will be No Big Stores downtown, especially not on the A&P excavation. Why?
Because this was the location of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenape's ancestral bingo hall!

C. Queechee told me that his tribal lawyers are waiting in the weeds for his signal after the townmeister election! Then they will jump out and demand the return of prehistoric bingo artifacts, poker chips, dice and other ancestral gaming items which were shovelled out of the A&P digs. They want all the excavated material to be returned and put back where it was , or else the Indian Gaming Commission will take over!

I realized he was up to something, because every schoolchild knows that the Lenni Lenape Prehistoric Bingo Parlor was here in Lake Wanda! Besides that, C. Queechee is a member of the Indian Gaming Commission.
I think maybe this plan is unethical!

The Secret Plan!Elvis Blabs!

This morning at Saxony Bakery my neighbor Elvis (ate all the linzer tarts before I got there! No consideration!) told me about the real Plan for Vernon. Elvis says Charles Queechee has been talking to some big machers from a mall development corporation!

Can you guess where they want to make a gigantic VernonTownsquare Mall? ALL AROUND THE HIGH SCHOOL!

By this plan, if he is elected for townmeister, C. Queechee solves a million problems! Classrooms surrounded by hundreds of stores, all connected in one big central climate-controlled paradise! Rent from the stores will pay for everything! No more property taxes! At least, that is what Elvis (Campaign Manager, C. Queechee For Vernon Townmeister) is telling everybody on the campaign trails.

I personally think the people of Vernon would never stand for the concept of merchandise mixed in with teaching. Still, no harm in sending to the schoolmall people my canals/boardwalk/moviehouse proposal, which I will make a mental note to find when I am feeling better.

Vernon Earth Day! Forget Paris!
Earth Day at Mountain Creek was fantastic, especially riding the ski lift, which finally I had to get off after 100 trips up and down because from all the excitement I dropped my rucksack. No good! I had many valuable free Earth Day gifts in there from the utility companies! And a jar of apple butter ($3.50) from Heaven Hills and a beautiful poster (free!) of Migratory Birds!!

Also I promised my neighbor Gladys we would go to some kind of Evening in Paris business in Warwick.

Not my idea! I was having the time of my life at Mountain Creek, so many nice people and scientific Earth Day exhibits! And the fabulous ski lift riding! But no, I had to go to Warwick because of Gladys waving her arms and screaming at the ski lift .

Listen, Paris you can keep. Remind me to tell you sometime about a little incident with the gendarmes during my student days! But what could I do, to have friends you have to Be A Friend, so this is how I wound up in Warwick looking at 800000000 tchotchkes for sale by street vendors.

Let me tell you, they could have used a few gendarmes over there from the highway robbery at those vendor tables! This did not stop my neighbor Gladys. Who can remember all the things she bought? Who cares? I did because I had to take half of it in my bicycle basket. But this is not my point.

Here is what I ask you: why do merchants make big beautiful stores, and then put all the merchandise out on tables all over the sidewalk, which are too small for this purpose, so people are crowded and pushed into the gutters? Are they crazy? And what does a nice town like Warwick have to do with Evening in Paris anyway? Next time they should call it Evening in Baghdad maybe.

When we got back to Lake Wanda (no picnic going up Barrett Road with a rucksack and 50 pounds of stuff in my bicycle basket, believe me) I invited my neighbor Gladys to join me for coffee. What do you think she asked me while I was putting out the nice refreshments? Are you sitting down?

She wanted to know where I got the apple butter.

Town Center Plan! Onward and Outward!

Recently I escorted FFV's new planning consultant to a meeting of the Vernon Townmeisters (see actual photo, left, taken with one of those cardboard cameras from A&P, photographer: my neighbor Gladys). From this experience, the new consultant could get a feel for the way things work downtown!

Right afterwards we went to Burger King, but could not find a place to park our bicycles! Therefore we went to the take-away window. I do not advise this because from gas fumes in the face your eyes will water terrible!

Anyway, in front of us on the line was the limousine of Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes and also Townmeister Candidate. I rang my bicycle bell very friendly, but would he let us go first? No. Space Geist (consultant) said never mind, this is typical of political candidates to act like they don't know you when people are looking! " No favors to anybody! Especially not to old friends!" What sense does this make? Who should you do a favor? Strangers? Bah. No wonder people get mad at politicians.

Now the consultant will wait a few weeks and then he will make his report (I found the old FFV notes, they were marking my place in TVGuide). So, you see? Everything is in order, except I doubt anything will come of the final report. Why? Because Space Geist thinks the A&P excavation site should be expanded by completely removing the mountain behind it, all the way to Lake Wanda, and widening Rt. 515 to 18 lanes between Breakneck Road and Rt.94. Then rebuild everything, a nice shopping village built into the cliffs. You have to admit, that's some swell town center plan!

But this I don't foresee unless C. Queechee (such a view he'll have from his house!) wins the townmeister election.

Fission for Vernon Planning Consultant! He will decide!
Fission for Vernon, my scientific planning group, has finally collected enough soup labels and little red cellophane things from the cigarette packs to exchange for valuable computers, which we have sold for cash to hire our own Planning Consultant!

Yes. I myself wanted to hire Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter OR the nice announcer lady on SciFi channel, but no.
After ten weeks of constant fighting my colleagues finally agreed among themselves to hire Space Ghost, not my first choice but what can you do,this is Democracy.

I don't think he'll show up anyway, which is to be expected (according to Charles Queechee, who says he has hired many consultants for Lake Wanda Lenni Lenape Tribal Gaming Commission), but this is not important because we have already decided what we want him to say!
I have it all written down somewhere, but maybe that was my notes about the proposed NASA station in Lake Wanda, who can remember.

My neighbor Elvis says that the main thing is to get rid of that cash before the Townmeister election, because the FFV will waste it on linzer tarts and Dr. Brown soda. Look who's talking. Machts nichts now that Burger King is open, so when Gov. Whitman comes we can present the planning report in a nice place, plenty of refreshments and not so many mosquitoes like last time.

This presentation we will have one week before the Townmeister election! I think by then Charles Queechee will give up on the Indian Bingo Retirement Community concept, but my neighbor Gladys (Treasurer , FFV, a nice lady but very naïve sometimes) says this will all be left up to Space Ghost because the people cannot make up their minds to pick one of the plans for developing the AP shopping center tarpits.

See? Naive. Come to think of it I remember now - I left those planning reports on the counter at Saxony Bakery.

Excellent Planning Emails! I Am Not Alone!
The Vernonwebs have forwarded to me Hunderts of emails from other scientific planners with A&P land use proposals! There, do you see? Vernon is loaded with smart planners whose ideas go beyond my Prehistoric Park concept. I am reprinting two of these emails for discussion at the next Fission for Vernon meeting, but don't get your hopes up, C.Queechee has his heart set on the Senior Citizen housing. He has no respect for civic-minded ideas like these:
"In addition to a Prehistoric park, the Highland Stage or one of the other community artistic groups could put on a riveting performance of Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. The odors emanating from the pit would add to the experience. It could be a sellout and perhaps run longer than Chorus Line. DR. E may have stumbled across the ideal site for the arts center."

"I have always thought that the open pit on the south end of the A&P parking lot had potential as a rather large 18th hole on a linear golf course extending from Route 23 for the length of Route 515. Golfers who actually traversed all 18 holes on the 8 mile course would actually get some exercise."

Any schoolchild can see that these are wunderbar proposals! But no, the townmeisters fold their arms and hire fancy-schmantzy planners from out of town!
Forget everything else - if you mashed up all the reports from expert planners over the years you could make enough papier mache to fill in the A&P excavation !
Vernon Prehistory! No respect!
I am sorry to say that once again the Vernon Town Council members have folded their arms against my scientific recommendations! Yes. The planning proposal I sent them was Returned To Sender.

This is not just because I mistakenly addressed the envelope to "Vernon Marsupial Building" (I was watching Animal Planet on cable, so shoot me). It is also not because the report was written on little white bags, waste not want not, from Saxony Bakery. The people from NASA never said anything about what kind of paper, so this cannot be the reason! No, I think it is because of something else, I cannot remember just now.

But this is not my point. In a little while there will be an election and if you-know-who (C.Queechee) becomes a townmeister it will be Too Late For Science! Glenwoods will look like Foxwoods in no time! Indian Bingo and honkytonks everywhere!

In my proposal (returned!) I recommended making a nice Prehistorical Nature Park on the excavation land next to the A&P, where you can already look at the entire History of the Earth! You see? I am talking about a billion dollar industry that will make money for the town and for everyone in business, miles around! Just put some big dinosaur statues like they have at that Gingerbread House in Hamburg, very lifelike and colorful, maybe we can contact the Disney people to put in animatronic controls. Also they could put a monorail over the swamp and maybe some nice mechanical rides for the children.

This reminds me: we should get back that Mastodon which was removed from Vernon (the nerve!) and put in a museum somewhere. Such a valuable prehistoric relic loses all meaning when it is moved from its original location! It belongs in Vernon, so children will look at it and be proud of their hometown's most famous inhabitant! (My neighbor Gladys says the Mastodons of Lake Wanda are direct descendants of this creature, but from the footprints in my backyard they are a much bigger species,believe me.)

Bah! I give up. Elvis says Charles Queechee owns that property by the A&P and wants to put a Senior Citizens Housing on it, walking distance from the Indian Bingo, what can you do. So much for prehistorical preservation in Vernon.

Townmeister Elections Coming! Hide The Silver!

This year there will be an election of Vernon Townmeisters (three open spots, more or less, who can remember).

How do I know? Because today my neighbor Gladys told me that Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, is secretly planning to throw his hat in the wringer. I thought to myself : what hat? That fancy headdress he wears to Tribal Council meetings? What kind of a nudnik would throw those nice feathers in a wringer?

As it turns out, this is just a silly expression. The wringer is Elections and the hat is Charles Queechee For Townmeister. But this is bad because he wants to turn the recycling center into an Indian Bingo!

Gladys also said that Charles promised her a nice office job downtown at Stately McManors , which is his new real estate development franchise, Over 6 Billion Sold.

I told her forget about it, the people in Glenwoods will never stand for a townmeister from Wawayanda Forest . Especially one with feathers on his head. But wait! Two minutes later I see Elvis in his limousine (even bigger than C. Queechee's) coming up my driveway so fast he almost ran over my bicycle! I thought maybe Saxony Bakery was closed , a big emergency in his book (in mine also), but no.

It was about the townmeister business again, believe it or not! More secret discussions! Elvis too is scheming with Charles Queechee ,who promised to buy and then rip down the D&S Mall to put a Palace of Show Business over there! Elvis will be the Impresario! If I would give a nice contribution (they know about all my grant money) I could be Town Planning Board Nuclear Physics Consultant !

But who cares? Who wants bingo and palaces? Not me! I LIKE the Recycling!

When I said this to Elvis he looked at me like I had ten heads. Think Of The Children, he yells, and then Think Of The Taxpayers!

Which I did, but I could not see any logical connection.

He told me don't feel bad, because (1.) millions of people have no head for politics, which is why (2.) they leave everything to big political machers like C. Queechee and entertainers like himself (Elvis).

What scientist can dispute the truth value of those two statements?

Elvis wasn't too upset when I had to send him away empty-handed. At the time I couldn't remember where I left my checkbook. At the bakery maybe.

Come to think of it, if you find it first , maybe you'll be kind enough to hand it over to the nice people in the Tax Collector's Office and save me the trouble.

Fission For Vernon DE-MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS! Lifelike and Practical!

Sometimes you are fed up with this constant pressure to Get Things Done, no? Foolish and unscientific advice everywhere you look - "Just do It" and so on, stress every minute to be Excellent etc. etc. Bah! Here are the posters selected by the FFV Municipal Building Wall Color focus group panel (poster study subcommittee):



and here are my own personal favorites:


MUNICIPAL WALL COLORS! A Big Responsibility!
I have been asked by Fission for Vernon to recommend paint colors for the inside walls of the Vernon Municipal building. How could I decline such an honor? Every schoolchild knows that wall colors affect the operation of the mind. I don't have to tell you, this town hall project is a terrible responsibility! Therefore I asked some of my Lake Wanda neighbors to give their opinion.

A mistake.
Now they are not talking to each other and none of them are talking to me. So what, more time to watch Animal Planet (Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter), but tv does not take the place of a Wall Color focus group panel!

For this reason I went all the way to Saxony Bakery for linzer tarts this morning, and then I asked the Wall Color Selection Group to come to my house right away! Which they did, not because of the nice refreshments but because I promised each of them a piece of Skylab (crashed in my backyard a few years ago).

Still after five hours of fighting and insults nothing was settled. Elvis says all the walls should be pink and black, a nice combination but not so good individually, in my opinion. Charles Queechee says paint everything red because it is stirring to the blood circulation, but this is not a good background color for paintings and travel posters. My neighbor Gladys says all paint is bad, loaded with chemicals, just put nice blue wallpaper with little flowers and clouds and maybe a mural of The Greek Islands like in a restaurant (what can I tell you, no concept of government work). Dr. Leary says to cover the walls with thick padded plastic grey mats, very practical but too expensive from the high maintenance!

Now, do you see? All the panelists think the town hall should look like their own house inside!

It's no use, this focus group stuff. I just thanked everybody and handed out the space junk, no big deal, plenty more where that came from.

In my recommendations I will say that half the walls should be painted sky blue pink shot with scarlet, and the other half Yellow, which stimulates intelligence and reduces aggressive behavior. Or maybe not, this might be something I saw on Crocodile Hunter.

Recycling Kaput?!! What next?!
Now you see what happens when you turn your back for one minute on the Vernon Townmeisters! They close the recycling!! I was away in Chinatown celebrating Year of the Rabbit with my colleagues, eating fancy dim sum at Nom Wah Tea Parlor (best sticky riceballs) , when what do I hear on the radio? Vernon Town Council says no more recycling center!
I could not believe my ears! Twice I made the waiters translate this broadcast, just to be sure! Right away I left Chinatown , because I cannot enjoy a happy celebration with a KNIFE IN MY HEART.

No sooner did I arrive back in Lake Wanda but my neighbors and fellow Fission for Vernon members were banging on the door! They LOVE that recycling ! Who doesn't? Much better than riding your bicycle all the way to Hamm's, or whatever they call it now ( forget about it - much easier to create your own nuclear-powered recycling chamber, no?).
Who made a petition for the government to get rid of the recycling? Nobody! And don't start with the curbside recycling pickup fees! An insult to the rate-paying community! I don't like to talk shop, but DO THE MATH.

Well, like my neighbor Gladys says, the handwriting was on the wallpaper when the town stopped the annual curbside bulk pickup (why else do you think Skylab is still in my backyard!). And why? Too expensive! Once a year ! Go ahead, use the calculator.

Now the fancy schmantzies from the Town Council are closing down the recycling because it's not their cup of tea. What next, will they rip down the dog pound and the equipment barns over there? Maybe they should hide everything underground where the big machers don't have to see ordinary people? Bah!

My neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapi Tribe, says we are imbeciles to protest because the recycling is a waste of prime real estate. He also says whoever builds anything down near that old barn is in for a big surprise when they start digging! More mysterious Lenni Lenapi stuff, who knows, something about the tribe's ancestral recycling grounds over there.
Meantime I am writing a letter to my dear friend Gov. Whitman about these crazies from the Town Council, who make a town budget like my neighbor Mrs. Toklas makes brownies. Hah! Like Elvis says, we should be so lucky!

Town Boards! No Luck!
Once again the Vernon townmeisters have ripped up and thrown away my application letter to be on the Planning Board!

Yes. My neighbor Charles Queechee says it is because I am from up here on Lake Wanda, but I think it is because of my association with Fission For Vernon! After all, why should those people from Glenwoods and wherever, other parts of town, be so jealous of Lake Wanda? Do they think I would look down on them because they are flatlanders?

Maybe my colleague Dr. Fraud is correct to say that there is too much Neurosis going on down there in the municipal building. Also I think maybe they should not drink the water during those meetings until it is analyzed (gas chromatography, like on Quincy!) for mind-altering chemicals, but does anybody listen? Never. That is the terrible contradiction!

Who will look out for the people of Vernon now!

Who will speak up for nice things like putting a movie theatre and building the canals downtown, or a pedestrian ski lift on Breakneck Road? Or putting a University somewhere? What about annexation of Sussex Borough! What about the nice boardwalks in the center of town, with flower pots and pretzel vendors! All in my letter (ripped up without looking), which maybe I should not have written on ShopRite grocery bags to show Importance of Recycling.

Never mind, fine by me. More time for watching SciFi Channel and working in the laboratory on my top secret government project , a nuclear-powered something or other, I forget just now, grant papers somewhere under the sofa cushions.

Anyway my neighbors are probably right: the town council is no place for a self-respecting rocket scientist.

NEW YEAR! Says Who!
For years I tried to warn my colleagues about the danger of attaching importance to Time and Clocks and so on, but would they listen? No. What a mistake!
Now because of reliance on this imbecilic measurement everything will be kaput next winter. Don't get me started! Sure, I have a clock in the kitchen, but only because it was a present from my friend Elvis (his picture on it, legs swung back and forth until the battery ran out). For me it's always 3:30, so what? The sun still comes up, batteries not included!

This brings me to calendars, another concept which has been blown out of all proportion. I have in my laboratory a nice big calendar from 1956, such beautiful pictures! Game Birds of North America! Go look in the woods, same birds flying around, so why should I put a new calendar?

And now, with this New Year business like always, the people here in Lake Wanda are all making fantastical resolutions that I cannot understand. Why should my neighbor Gladys lose weight? She looks very nice! A good cook (best Linzer tarts,don't tell Saxony Bakery), is that so terrible?

And Charles Queechee, don't ask - for him it's not enough to be Number One of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes! Now he is resolving to seize power in Connecticut! This from a person who cannot remember to give me back the hedge clippers (nuclear powered) he borrowed last summer! He is the one who should maybe lose weight, by the way. You should see the sparks fly from the rear end of his limousine sagging down on the street. A fire hazard every time he rides to weekly Tribal Council meetings!

So, you see the mischief and irrational behavior from this obsession with clocks and calendars?

Unfortunately my colleagues did not! Now they are running away to Montana with little suitcases full of Krugerrands. And hoarding food! Already it is getting hard to find Vienna Sausages anywhere! By next winter there will be no more Mallomars or gouda cheese available! Only one year of Burger King until Y2K!

And speaking in his official capacity as Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, Charles Queechee says the day may come when the only Game Birds left around here are the ones on my 1956 calendar!

Santa Claus! You Better Watch Out!
Yesterday when I was buying my newspaper (NY Times, best for rolling up to kindle fireplace logs) at Lake Wanda Store I overheard people making jokes about Santa Claus. Very rude jokes! Right in front of the schoolchildren! (Remember this next time they are disrespectful to their elders.)

Then I realized: time to write my letter!

I rode home on my bicycle at jet speed and went looking for the nice notepaper I got last month (yard sale). No good! Finally I gave up looking for it and wrote down my list on the back of an envelope.

Two minutes later my neighbor Charles Queechee poked his head in (very nosy, like all the Lenni Lenapes) and started with the comments. “You expect elves to read that handwriting? Don’t you have enough colored chalk and legos already? what’s wrong with a bearclaw necklace or one of those nice sweatshirts with wolf faces on it ?” And more along those lines, what can I tell you, he’s a buttinsky by nature.

I wasn’t really paying attention until he said, “why don’t you just tell Santa to his face this year like everyone else when he comes around on the firetruck? Better yet, do what I do, just go down the road to his house.”

This thought never occurred to me! Of course I have made small talk with Santa Claus at his annual yard sale (Aug.29), and sometimes we speak at the same Nuclear Physics conferences, but the thought of just walking over to his house never crossed my mind.

So this year I will take Charles Queechee’s advice and maybe even bring along a nice jar of Vienna sausages. Good thing I didn't tell Charles about the people making jokes because he is sometimes a tattle-tale! So, you see? Watch what you say in Lake Wanda Store or no legos under the Christmas tree for you!

Something to Cheer Up The Town Hall! Never Mind!
Last week I went to New York City to buy a Christmas present for the employees in the Vernon Municipal Building, who work in such a drab place all day long. No good! This dulls the mind! Therefore when I read in the newspapers that there was going to be an auction (bargains!) of Vincent van Gogh’s last self -portrait I got the idea: what better present than a nice painting!

How much could it cost, the artist was a pauper in an insane asylum, not one of these money-hungry Beatniks from Greenwich Village with the soup cans and polka dots.

Just to be sociable I took my neighbor Elvis along, who knows a thing or two about paintings ,you should see some of the nice things in his house. The big mistake was telling Charles Queechee (Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes) where we were going, but what could I do? A man lets you use his limousine, it’s common courtesy you have to tell him what for. Who knew he would send his tribe's banker to that same auction!

Well, he outbid me fair and square, no hard feelings. Look on the bright side! Less money for the Lenni Lenape casino in Lake Wanda, and anyway Elvis says the painting is probably a fake. He offered to sell me a glow-in-the-dark portrait of himself, very nice, on black velvet, but I lost my enthusiasm for Art presents.

Instead I am giving gift baskets full of Vienna sausages, Mallomars and those little bite-sized gouda cheeses. My neighbor Gladys thinks I should give to the Historical Society one of my yard sale items, an old notebook entitled “From Roanoke To Lake Wanda: The Diary of Virginia Dare.”

Such a kidder, that Gladys! Who would want faded old scraps of bad handwriting from the bottom of a yard sale hamster cage? Nobody. Not even the Recycling.

Computers in the Schoolhouse! Such a fuss!
My neighbor Elvis tells me there will be millions of dollars spent to put computers all over the place in the schoolhouses. What next! Let me tell you something, when I was a child I had to build my own computer and carry it with me to school, walking five miles through the forest in snow and hail, wolves snapping at my heels, bullets whizzing past my ears! Or maybe not, this might have been in a film I saw on Disney Channel.
So what, who can remember going to school anyway, it’s all a blur. Anyway this idea to put computers in the schoolhouse I don’t understand. For those millions of dollars you could give every schoolchild a nice laptop to take home, no? To do their lessons? Maybe they can email their homewerks back and forth! No more walking five miles in snow!
To tell the truth I think the schoolmasters are making a too big fuss over these artificial intelligence devices. Go read any newspaper! Human brains are emptying as fast as computers are filling up! FASTER maybe!

Public Pay Phones! Terrible!
Yesterday I went to the supermarket in Warwick NY and, one minute after I finished chaining my bicycle to one of those little trees in the parking lot, I realized I HAD NO SHOPPING LIST. Very bad, since I pedalled ten miles to get something on sale, just what I couldn’t remember.

Anyway I went to the public telephone and that’s when the trouble started! You know how much it would cost me to call up the VernonWeb office, maybe they could send somebody over to my house for that shopping list and call me back? FOUR DOLLARS AND CHANGE!!!

Forget about it! So I said No Thank You and hung up. A nice young fellow came over and handed me some kind of portable phone, but even screaming at the top of my lungs those VernonWebs couldn’t hear me from all the static!

That’s it, I went right to the phone company building down the street and they said Calm Down Use This Phone (reception lady, very nice) but by then I forgot what I was calling about.

I would have forgotten my bicycle too except I glanced out the window just as a young man flew over its handlebars (third gear gives a little trouble) at the curb! No damage, a little scrape here and there, but as to the thief I can’t say, ask at the hospital.

Then I remembered: BandAids!

ANNEXATION! Vernon Should Do This!
I am very excited about this new concept of annexing property from other towns. This is the answer to many, many financial problems facing our own town today!! My neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of the Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, told me that his cousins in Connecticut are annexing thousands of acres (owned by nearby townspeople) so they can enlarge their reservation and build bigger casinos!

Right here in Sussex County, the Freeloaders are trying to arrange an annexation to Newton so they can build something or other too, I forget, a casino maybe.

So now I come to the part about Vernon: WE SHOULD ANNEX THAT NICE LITTLE SUSSEX BOROUGH!

Only one octagonal mile of land, true, but loaded with big ratables and Big Water, no? Look at that huge water use allocation for sewers over there, and for such a small place! Bad Science! They’ll never use it in a million years!

And meanwhile who needs that Big Water for sewers? VERNON! We have something they need, too, namely a police department (who is protecting all that water!!). A person my age would be crazy to go over there and get hit on the head by hooligans up and down the street! No wonder they put a hospital nearby!

So you see each side would be doing the other a big favor with this annexation business. Who cares if it annoys the big machers in Wantage! Fooey on Wantage, what did they ever do for the people in that little town? Nothing but take,take,take!

I am going to write a letter to my dear friend Governor Whitman about this annexation to Vernon right away, before the local Indians get any big ideas about making a casino at the Sussex Inn.

ENVIRONMENT! Don’t Make Me Laugh!
On Sunday while strolling up Breakneck Road I was unwrapping a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum, my favorite, very refreshing , flavor lasts 1 hour 15 mins., when a sudden gust of wind blew the wrapper out of my hand.
Before I could pick it up , half a dozen cars screeched to a halt and a dozen more were beeping their horns! While the people were screaming at me Litterbug Litterbug and other terrible insults, a man jumped out of his Mercedes (remind me to tell you about that company later) and came after me with a baseball bat! Pretty soon I realized these noodniks thought I tossed the gum wrapper on purpose into the gutter. Ridiculous!
What paper I don’t use to make shopping lists or papier mache reactor models (ever see 3 Mile Island? not my best work, so what) or mulch for my Triffid Garden I PUT IN THE RECYCLING!! I love that place. Of course I picked up the gum wrapper!
Meanwhile how do you like these environment fakers coming after me, a harmless gum-chewing pedestrian, and never mind that their cars are destroying the world! Also I think I myself will get a baseball bat, but a nice aluminum alloy, not wood (see? Save The Trees ).
HFV ! A splinter group!

Some of the people in our scientific planning group, Fission for Vernon, have broken away to form their own organization: Hallucination for Vernon. I am sorry to say that my neighbor Dr. Leary, a typical smart-aleck chemist , is responsible for this factional split.

I have a feeling he is just out to promote his own interest (Tim’s Tonix, biggest employer in Lake Wanda) but he has bamboozled his lunatic fringe with a program to eliminate all taxes completely.

Here is his plan , as far as I can make it out: in exchange for $100000000000 in Krugerrands, the town will be renamed after a major corporate sponsor, and similarly each of the communities and schools in Vernon will be renamed after the highest bidder.

What a concept! Imagine filling out your application for something! Resident of Lake All-Bran, Snapple Township NJ, graduate of Preparation H High School! Bah - I tried to tell these crazies that the Vernon Historical Society will never stand for it.

After all, the Lenni Lenape called this place Vernon, which means Town With No Last Name, and that’s how it will stay, taxes and all.

GOVERNOR WHITMAN! A welcome guest!
Governor Whitman came to visit me here in Lake Wanda (not like Mrs. President Clinton, who wasted time at that Thomas Edison place) last week and we discussed many scientific things, just what I can’t remember, who cares anyway. My fellow members of Fission for Vernon did most of the talking. Such a fuss about farmers, if you ask me! Go to the A&P, see if you find anything in the produce section from a Vernon farm.
Well, never mind, those farmers don’t criticize my research grants so I don’t criticize their real estate grants. When the time comes just remember who gave you DDT and who gave you E=MC whatever.
Anyway, Gov. Whitman (such a nice person) enjoyed our little barbeque, and good thing my nuclear-powered mosquito zapper was not on the fritz that day so we could dine al fresco.
I hope by her next visit we can instead all go to the Burger King downtown, but if not my neighbor Elvis says he would gladly sacrifice another one of his red heifers in Gov. Whitman's honor.
YARD SALES! What a country!
Thanks to this wunderbar yard sale business all over the place I purchased many things last Saturday, total expense $3.50! For this I got an entire box of kitchen gadgets and plastic dinnerware, a hamster (no charge for cage!!), a Fisher Price Nuclear Reactor Kit (some parts missing, who cares), two dozen very rare Batman Happy Meal figures which I put immediately in my Year 2000 survival bag, and a very nice rhinestone Timex for my neighbor Elvis. But I ask myself, What Can People Be Thinking to part with such treasures? I saw enough bicycles($5.00! $10.00!) to provide transportation for the entire Third World! And France, too, you could throw in. Also I got a nice handmade 100% wool computer keyboard protector absolutely free! When I got back to my house I had to throw away some of my old things to make room. My old friend Judge Crater, who also lives here in Lake Wanda, says I should have made a yard sale too. Waste of time! Who wants a bunch of old glass plates, cheap stuff, moviehouse door prizes from 1949? Nobody! I put them right in the garbage.

Fission For Vernon Manifesto!
So, we should put a new road in the middle of Vernon? This is the big improvement, a commercial spit of land in the middle of a fast food rotary downtown? Bah. Cars everywhere you look - this is a plan?
My new scientific planning group, Fission for Vernon, says get rid of everything down there and start over. First enlarge the creek by the A&P (but don’t touch that store ! My neighbor Elvis loves their Kaiser rolls. Me, I go to Saxony Bakery like a normal person, so don’t touch that place either) and make a nice boardwalk with stores all up and down, Burger King at the end, put big roads and parking lots far away behind everything.
Now you’re talking ! Put extra creeks in all over the place! Not for nothing did they pick that name Mountain Creek! Everybody likes creeks. Nice little bridges with flower pots! CANALS! People would forget Amsterdam and Venice and come to Vernon instead! But no, the ganzer machers of Vernon think everyone is happy with a little road.
Wrong! Fission for Vernon says Get Away From Me With This Boring Road Plan! We want canals and boardwalks and a nice movie theatre, $1.50 at all times, and maybe a shuttle bus to the ball park for NJCardinals home games and on route 94 a nice little university campus. Mountain Creek University! Also a nice monorail system connecting everything to Wawayanda Park. This is Fission for Vernon’s plan!
What’s not to like?

Computers! Forget About It!

Many years ago when I was consulted during the development of BRAINIAC, or MANIAC, whatever that first computer was called, I tried to tell everyone that this apparatus would not be used for intelligent purposes. Now my scientific colleagues (imbeciles, serves them right)complain to me that while computers were filling up with information, human brains were emptying. So what will happen in 2000 when all the electrical power and computers in the world are kaput? Mine included, but I am prepared! For seven years I have been hoarding scrap paper, pencil stubs and chalk! Now I will begin laying in supplies of Sterno and many little jars of Vienna Sausage because no one will be able to buy food in the A&P or Burger King. Without the computers, all food will cease to be. People of Vernon, follow my example or starve! Also pack a small suitcase full of Krugerrands and precious stones maybe, and get a big dog.

My 4th of July barbecue was, I am happy to say, attended by all my fellow scientists and neighbors in Lake Wanda. I mention it not to brag about roasting 100 swine in 15 seconds (thanks to the cold fusion -powered GrossenWeber, my best invention) but because a very interesting question was asked by one of my neighbors, who said, “How come nobody here ever goes to the Vernon Town Council Meetings?”
I thought to myself, That Amelia Earhart, What A Kidder, but before I could make jokes my good friend Elvis wagged his finger and said, “I’ll tell you why: it’s because those meetings are always on at the same time as Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune!”
Of course! Even my most imbecilic colleagues saw the accuracy of this analysis. “So what’s the solution?” says one of my colleagues. “Well, you could put a big television in the meeting room, like they do in the taverns,” says my neighbor Gladys (a nice lady), “ just so they make a rule not to scream out the answers while somebody’s talking up front.”
A good idea, no? But don’t look for me even if they put the television. Bah - I went to a hundred meetings back in the ‘forties and ‘fifties, blablabla, big waste of time, look what they did to the place in the end. Better to watch Alex and Vanna and scream out the answers in a tavern, you ask me.

Automobiles! Such a business!
I have misplaced the address of the automobile manufacturer who recently wrote to me requesting scientific designs for a car that would be (a) quickly obsolete and (b) pretty safe and (c) something else, I forget just now. Whoever you are, just email again and I will be glad to upload a file containing formulas for The Origami, a disposable car made completely out of recycled paper (except for some fissionable engine materials). Safe? Bah. You want safe, get a baby carriage.
COFFEE! Too Much Already!
The National Institutes of Health have asked me (5/19/98) to prepare a list of the Ten Warning Signals of Coffee Overconsumption, but I have lost their email address somewhere so I hope they are reading this:

The Ten Danger Signals of Coffee Overconsumption

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. You can take pictures of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
3. You have to watch videos in Fast Forward.
4. All your children are named "Joe."
5. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
6. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
7. Your vision of paradise is a Turkish prison.
8. You ski uphill.
9. You type 380 words per minute using only one finger.
10. Three-year-olds think you need to calm down.

Viagra! Such a hit!
This week (5/11/98) I have received top secret emails from Pfizer labs, asking for my scientific opinion of their newest experimental drugs to improve the performance of men in today's stressful society:
  • DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
  • PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
  • CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
  • COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new apparel.
  • BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days!
  • NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials in our nation's capital.
  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
  • FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus:Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
  • FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • PRYAGRA - In clinical trials*, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
    (* Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors.")
  • LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be developed in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength dosages.

My opinion? Forget about it. Any health benefit of these formulas would be far outweighed by the catastrophic effect on millions of innocent divorce lawyers worldwide.

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