I told you I would give up my dangerous bioengineering experiments and go back to Big Science, nicht wahr?
So here is my ExtraLarge Queechee Collider underneath Vernon, where particles will begin to circulate around its 67 mile circumference tunnel next week! This will recreate energies not seen since the universe began! The particles will smash together at the speed of light!
Of course Townmeisters ripped up my original proposal into Hundert pieces when they saw it but so what, Charles Queechee and Lenni Lenape tribal council paid for everything! They do not hate Science!
On tribal land right above ExtraLarge Collider (by the way much bigger than Hadron Collider in Europe) will be Lenni Lenape tribal bike path and Vernon Black Hole Casino!
So do you like the picture?
That is my Star-Ledger paperboy in nice blue hat slotting the last pieces into place, right under my house in Lake Wanda. See? Lenni Lenape! He was not afraid of anything!
I gave him nice tip, don't worry.
Next week we will all have celebration party with FFV but I will not invite Townmeisters. My neighbor Gladys says they are hiding somewhere anyway.
A New Addition to the Table of Elements!
Students of Big Science, get out your notebooks!
I have just received this exciting news by email from a scientific colleague:
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named
Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However,
it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take
over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
Bushcronium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium
Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy,
albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as
Bushcronium can spontaneously transmute into Pandemonium.
Thankful To Be Back!
I am very thankful to be back from my holiday in Switzerland (such a boring place compared to Lake Wanda), where I was to be final guest lecturer at a worldwide convention of Big Science.
The lecture subject: General Relativity And Quantum Mechanics, Maybe It Doesn't Mix, So Who Cares.
Not for nothing, but my colleagues at FFV are closer to the Unified Theory than those nudniks at the convention. I rented a nice bicycle but on the last day I could not remember where I left it, and by the time I found it again the convention was ended already. I did not even get a tee shirt!
So I went to some nice movies and bought for myself a few pairs warm socks, and some little presents for my neighbors, and for my brother Fritz a nice cuckoo clock.
I was very glad to be back in beautiful Lake Wanda!
Fritz left right away as usual. I could tell he liked the clock (useless, but the cuckoo is very lifelike, Made In China). My neighbor Gladys told me everything was fine while I was away, no problems, but I think she did not like Fritz for some reason.
What can I tell you? He is my twin brother, and I know he means well even though he is a critic and a buttinsky sometimes. That is why he lives in New York City, where people have respect for psychoanalysis but not for Nature.
Now I am very enthusiastic to get back to my laboratory and garden, but first I had to go to A&P. Not for nothing, but the supermarkets in Switzerland are terrible! And do they give free turkeys to good customers? No. Thanks to my brother Fritz, who is not from the shoppers, I had to buy many things at A&P to catch up so I could qualify for 10¢ a pound turkey! Already my neighbor Gladys received her turkey from being a good customer! So yesterday I went with her and my neighbor Dr. Leary in the station wagon, because my bicycle basket is not big enough for turkey and many boxes Mallomars.
I was glad Dr. Leary (present: nice pair lederhosen) came with! Who knew so much happened while I was away? He told me all about the Loops Road ceremony and the Townmeisters and big machers who came with the shovels, but who did not invite Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes! This is because C. Queechee told everybody the Loops Road is digging up his tribe's ancestral Bingo Parlor and Casino land!
Gladys said she told C. Queechee this is not true, because the Lenni Lenape Bingo Parlor and Discount Tobacco Barn was originally located in Lake Wanda, but in 1781 it was sold to Aaron Burr, who ripped it down, and who swapped the casino land for a turkey farm which later became the A&P in Vernon, which is why they still give away turkeys every Thanksgiving in honor of Aaron Burr, and also why they tell everyone to quit using tobacco.
See? I did not know this. Maybe at FFV Thanksgiving Dinner I will see if my scientific colleagues (imbeciles) remember to give thanks for Aaron Burr who started these historic traditions.
Gladys says I should join the Lake Wanda Arts and Heritage Society to find out the true history of everything, and she reminded Dr. Leary to bake some nice brownies for the LWAHS meeting next Friday night, where guest speaker from Audubon Society will give a slide presentation about saving endangered Mammoths of Wawayanda Park.
Dr. Leary's brownies are wunderbar but I can not go to the LWAHS meeting because Elvis has invited me to his house Friday for supper, turkey sandwiches probably, and to watch Star Gate SG 1 on his new plasma tv, which is even bigger than mine, so who can refuse? I will bring Mallomars, and give Elvis his present (nice box chocolate covered marzipan).
It is good to be back!
Dr. E is on vacation in Switzerland, and has left his home at Lake Wanda in the care of his identical twin brother, Fritz.
The following guest (p)article was submitted by Fritz after Dr. E's departure.
Also Dr. E's neighbor Gladys has contributed a guest (p)article.
[Note to Dr. E: Come home soon, please. NJDEP has been around, asking questions about your experiments.]
My twin brother has asked me to look after his property here in Lake Wanda while he is away on his annual bicycle tour in Switzerland.
Ach! You should only see this little cabin! But from previous experience I knew what to expect (calendar on kitchen wall here: Birds of North America, 1956 ; no clocks anywhere, but television set bigger than a blackboard; in the cupboards only Mallomars, chocolate covered halvah and Vienna Sausage).
How this man survives, I do not know!
Don't ask me why he goes to Switzerland, a country full of aggressive yodelers and other scary people, if you ask me. Which brings us to an important subject.
But wait, my brother may not have told you that I am a psychoanalyst! Come to think of it, I am sure he did not mention this, because he thinks psychology is unscientific and worthless.
Haha - that's rich, coming from someone who talks to plants and birds and space aliens! But what do you expect from a person who is constantly sugar-crazed from Mallomars?
Which brings me to my point: I have noticed that this frightening dietary regimen is typical of many of his neighbors here in Lake Wanda, and in all of Vernon, NJ! It is the Mallomars Capital of the World! The Vatican of Mallomars Eaters! No wonder everybody is delusional around here!
Only today a young man became dangerously excited when I told him he looked just like the famous American jazz musician Elvis Presley.
He yelled at me that he IS Elvis Presley! There, do you see? Delusional.
And why did a large American Indian gentleman tell me a very long and confusing story about magic talking insects who appear in his dreams and tell him to build a gambling casino? And why would a man wearing a pony tail and dark glasses insist that I must leave milk and a plate of brownies on the mantelpiece for Maytag Repair Man, who is a mythical creature from the television?
These people are lunatics.
But would my twin brother, who is so scientific, know the answer? Of course not. He is steeped in this group psychosis. One look at his experiments and you can sense he has lost his grip on reality.
That is why I was shocked to find his very sensible note (scribbled on the back of a bakery bag) suggesting that I should pass the time by writing an article of practical advice for everybody to enjoy while he is away bicycling in Der Schweiz.
He suggested I should write about the latest thing sweeping the nation, Anger Management Lessons.
Yes, of course I have heard of this, and I know it is the latest way that some of my colleagues make extra money.
But instead I will take this opportunity to discuss the true reason why so many people have so little ability to think and behave rationally.
It is very simple:TOO MUCH SOFT FOOD.
Yes! This is because people today are afraid to use their teeth. They are repressing the healthy aggressive dental function which is essential to a mature, civilized culture.
No patience to chew up real food = no patience to chew up mental food!
And what is the predictable result? Stupidity! Tantrums! Repressed dental function unleashed as paranoid aggression!
A person who does not make full use of his teeth cripples his ability to use their destructive function for his own benefit. Your attitude towards food influences your intelligence, your ability to understand things, to get a grip on life, to sink your teeth into the tasks at hand!
Babyish (soft food!) eating habits have created the impatient, greedy, selfish attitude which is responsible for all the unmanageable anger and violence we see everywhere in the world today!
The alternative? Eating food that actually requires the use of your teeth, not food that instantly liquefies without chewing!
Forget anger management lessons and start eating like adult human beings! Leave the soft food to lunatics like this woman Gladys who blamed me after she was arrested for throwing rocks at government officials when they came here to look at the laboratory gardens!
This has not been a relaxing vacation so far. If I ever agree to stay here and look after my twin brother's property again just shoot me.
- Fritz E., PhD
Please don't pay any attention to that know-it-all Fritz and his terrible advice! If you watch the stories on tv every day like I do, you have already figured out that he is Dr. E's evil twin!
There's nothing wrong with soft food. The best thing about soft food is that eating it is not so rude and noisy! Who can stand all that loud chewing!
Incidentally, why do you think bread and cake are mentioned so often in the Bible if we are not supposed to eat soft foods! Why don't the church ladies have raw vegetable dinners instead of pancake breakfasts and bake sales and ice cream socials and spaghetti dinners? Because they listen to the Bible, that's why, not to ignorant troublemakers like Fritz, who is probably a communist. He may look exactly like Dr. E but there the resemblance ends! I am sure their poor mother liked Dr. E best. He doesn't go around telling everybody else how to live! Also he likes my baked macaroni and cheese, which is much better than Martha Stewart's, and Dr. Leary's brownies, which I told him he should enter in the county fair even though the fix is in, the same people win the baking contest every year.
Go ahead, eat hard tough foods if you have teeth like a wolf, it's a free country, but please do it in the privacy of your own home behind closed doors and not in public so decent people won't be forced to listen while you crunch and chew like an animal. Is that too much to ask? I don't know how the restaurant workers put up with it. Maybe that's why so many of them have gone over to jobs at Burger King and McDonalds where employees are not constantly sickened and disgusted by exposure to the sound of chewing and of people shouting to be heard above the noise.
One other thing. Anyone could see those DEP guys were up to no good when they barged in on Dr. E's laboratory garden. Meanwhile, that lazy Fritz didn't even stir his stumps the whole time, even though I tried to tell him those DEP city boys were sneaking around out back taking snapshots and riling up the triffids. Some caretaker he is. I guess the triffids were fixing to thrash those tresspassers good and proper, but I didn't stick around because once I ran out of rocks and saw that the camera was bashed to pieces I figured it was time to go along quietly with the police like a good citizen, which I am and they know it.
I don't hold it against them that they never could find my husband Earl, who went out on the morning of June 8, 1986 to get the newspaper in the driveway and never came back. It happens all the time around here.
Anyway those little DEP snoops took off pretty quick, and lucky thing they didn't spot Earl's distillery when they ran screaming and hollering right past it into the woods with the triffids in close pursuit. It's a pretty sure thing those nosy flatlanders will never set foot in Lake Wanda ever again.
The police let me off with a warning, and you can be sure I went back right away to give that coward Fritz a piece of my mind, even though he wouldn't open the door and I had to go around back and yell at him through the kitchen window to be heard over that dopey longhair music he listens to on the radio while all normal Americans are watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune on tv, except Dr. E who watches Stargate SG1 (on SciFi Channel) which I am taping for him while he is away.
Just one more thing while I have this chance, in the November election don't vote for Charles Queechee (Wampum Party), not just because he is a heathen and probably insane from the dreams about snow fleas but because guaranteed he's the one who snitched to the DEP about the laboratory garden the minute Dr. E was out of town.
I always said Charles was a jealous backstabber and his Wampum Party was not to be trusted, but Dr. E just laughs and says nobody in the world is perfect except Santa Claus.
Santa loves cookies, as everyone knows, so I hope he leaves Fritz the Cookie Hater a nice hard piece of coal in his Christmas stocking to teach him a lesson.
Future Vernon! Plan To Face Reality!
My neighbor Gladys tells me that Saxony Bakery is going out and a fast foods restaurant will be going there! This she found out from the ladies at the A&P, who are the first to hear about everything in Vernon, so probably it is true. I hope not!
When my bicycle is fixed I will go downtown to Saxony Bakery and ask questions! But I am prepared to face reality. Good thing my neighbor Gladys got for Christmas a nice electric mixing apparatus (like on Martha Stewart tv show) so she can make plenty Linzer tarts if Saxony Bakery goes away.
Also I found out from Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, that the Townmeisters are making a plan for new road building downtown!
But did they pay attention to my scientific proposals? No! The paper I submitted was ripped up into hundert pieces, as usual!
Instead they listen to the nudniks at the County Planningsboard!
Not for nothing, but they see into the future for maybe six months, nicht wahr? They say to put a little concrete barrier in the middle of Rt. 515! Feh!
They are afraid to face facts! Any schoolchild knows this is not realistic preparation for planning in Vernon NJ, the City of the Future.
Therefore I am glad I found under the couch cushions my proposals and a copy of the artist(Elvis)'s conception, which was approved by Fission For Vernon (FFV), showing the real downtown Vernon of the future.
The only thing you cannot see in the picture is my system of gondolas running under upper Rt. 515, connecting Breakneck Road to Rt. 515 to Rt. 94 all the way to Mountain Creeks. Also you cannot see the system of canals and boardwalks on both sides of Rt. 515 and 94.
So use your scientific imagination already!
The School System - A Paper!
My scientific colleagues at Fission For Vernon (FFV) have asked me to give a paper about Problems Of The School System.
This reminds me of Dr. Leary's excellent presentation on the subject of How To Unscramble Eggs!
His lecture was only two words long ("Forget It.").
In the whole audience only one person fell asleep!
I am not from the Public Speakers like my neighbor Dr. Leary, but I have accepted the terrible responsibility to present this paper (and also to try to stay awake at FFV meetings), so now I will have some nice brownies, also from Dr. Leary, and a cup of good coffee. Besides these research aids I have found under the couch cushions my notes on the Immutable Laws, Axioms and Principles of Systems set forth by John Gall, greatest System Thinker and author of Systemantics, who wrote, "the fundamental problem does not lie in any particular system but rather in systems as such. Salvation, if it is attainable at all, even partially, is to be sought in a deeper understanding of the ways of systems, not simply in a criticism of the errors of a particular system."
This is the best way to approach an exhausting subject like Problems of The School System.
A large and infinitely complex human system, nicht wahr?
So, before discussing any complex system, we must first discuss The General Uncertainty Principle, which makes all Systems People very nervous.
For them, The General Uncertainty Principle is the iceberg waiting in the fog!
Which reminds me of the Titanic, a very famous example of a large, complex system, but maybe this is too scary.
Here is a simpler Uncertainty example.
The space vehicle preparation shed at Cape Kennedy was designed to protect rockets from bad weather, but the shed was so big it made its own bad weather!
Therefore, instead of being protected from the elements, the poor space rockets were trapped inside a container full of clouds and rainstorms!
See? Uncertainty and reversal. This is what gives systems people (and baseball players) terrible nightmares!
And now, two important definitions:
1. A system, any system, can be defined as a set of parts coordinated to accomplish a stated goal.
2. A system's function can be defined as what the system is doing (or is supposed to be doing) to accomplish the stated goal.
Now let us assume that the goal of the School System is to produce educated citizens.
Any large system opposes its own proper function (Systems Principle of Opposite Functionality)!
Therefore, from the first minute of its existence, the system will not be doing what it is supposed to be doing.
This is because, when a system is set up, a brand new entity comes into being: The System Itself!
It has a mind of its own! It has a will to live! Not only to live, but to expand to fill the known universe!
The system's original goal? Forget about it.
The system immediately develops goals of its own.
Intrasystem Goals Come First!
So, large systems really do not do what they are supposed to be doing, and people in large systems are not actually performing the functions they are supposed to be performing.
To the system's functionaries this does not matter, because they are no longer dealing with the real world.
For them, the real world is what the system reports it to be.
This leads to a human behavioral disorder known (in Systems literature) as Functionary's Manic Self-Esteem.
To the system's administrators and functionaries, all non-system people are imbeciles who do nothing but create problems!
This is because non-systems people, unlike systems functionaries, do not realize that Solving Problems is not a systems function!
The system can generate complex responses to problems, naturlich, but the system itself represents some system expert's solution to a stated problem!
Therefore each unexpected problem generates new complex responses and the development (by systems experts!) of more subsystems (each developing their own intrasystem goals) which lead only to new problems, und so weiter ad infinitum.
In general systems theory, this is known as The Problem Problem.
So now , back to The School System, which also has at its core the problem of all large human systems: power over the system's targets is concentrated in a few hands.
Any diffusion of that power will only be temporary, because the power becomes concentrated into a few hands again (Systems Law Of Gravity!).
But from the target's point of view, the problem is not the concentration of power in a few hands.
The problem is the concentration of the targets in one place (like fish in a barrell!), where the few hands can get at them!
The solution is to diffuse the targets! But of course this is destructive to the core of the system, and the system always fights back!
To conclude: If the School System was set up to accomplish the human goal of producing educated citizens, that goal was kaput from the moment a large, complex system was set up to accomplish it.
A large system designed to produce educated citizens will not produce educated citizens (remember: Principle of Opposite Functionality).
It will, however, produce Systems People!
One last thing, before I forget:
In the real world, many human functions and goals are intrinsically unsuited to the systems approach.
For these human functions and goals, the systems approach guarantees failure.
Human functions and goals require freedom, but freedom is not a systems attribute.
Freedom is a systems neutralizer!
A New Kind Of Tree!
True, I said I would return to Big Science and forget about any more bioengineering experiments, but I forgot about this promise until two minutes ago, so shoot me. How can a busy person remember everything! I am still trying to remember where I put my TV Guide! So what, who needs TV Guide anyway until baseball is over? Haha! Let's Went Metz !!
But this is not my point.
My point is about Trees.
Maybe you think trees have it easy? No. They are surrounded on all sides by merciless assassins. Let's face it, everything in nature is out to get everything else! Slaughter and destruction all over the place! A constant battle for domination of the Earth!!
What, you think humans are winning this battle because we are so smart and ruthless? Let me tell you something, we are imbeciles and scaredycats compared to the other orders in the classification system! Go in your garden and look around if you don't believe me! Put on plenty Deep Woods Off (ticks! mosquitoes!), nice thick socks and gloves (poison ivy! soil bacteria! ) and if you think you are smarter and more ruthless than a bee, take my advice, don't go too close to smell the flowers.
But maybe you think the trees are big dummies that take up a lot of room, only good for fruit or for giving shade but for nothing else until they are cut down, so what, plenty more where they came from?
This kind of unscientific thinking by our species has made bad trouble for trees!
Not anymore! Thanks to a generous grant from Joint NASA/Arbor Day Foundation I have been busy like a bee in my laboratory garden!
So now I will tell you about the new species of tree I have introduced into Wawayanda Forest as a result of my experiments over the past few months: I call it the Trickory.
Yes! A tree which genetically recombines best qualities of Triffid and Hickory!
And what are those qualities?
Aggression, fast propagation and growth in any climate zone (soil optional), thrives on any gas in the Periodic Table of Elements, extreme longevity and size, mobility, resistance to disease and fungus and insect blights, resistance to nuclear explosions, resistance to being cut down!
Resistance to everything!
My neighbor Gladys thinks maybe the flailing branches of the Trickory will put people in a bad mood.Hah! You want a bad mood, go to Lake Wanda Arts Society with Gladys and listen to her miserable poems! You will jump off a bridge! But I did not say this to Mrs. Sensitive Artist, don't worry.
Also my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, thinks maybe trees should not lash out in the direction of loud noise (like C. Queechee's drums or chainsaw) and march around from place to place. How does he know they are marching? Maybe they are dancing! Who is to say?
My neighbor Elvis does not like the Trickory's giant leaves (such a nice shape, like helicopter blades,which you can see when the leaves are not in rapid motion) because he says they ruin his hair combing. Feh! To me this is no big deal. Maybe such a fussy person should put on a nice hairnet!
My colleagues (imbeciles) at Fission For Vernon are nervous about the NASA requirement that the Trickory should also thrive in non-terrestrial environments. Good thing I didn't tell them I also put whale DNA so the Trickory can withstand cyclonic winds and transoceanic migrations!
Which reminds me, the only natural enemy of the Trickory is the giant squid, naturlich. One look from that monster invertebrate and a Trickory will drop dead on the spot (who wouldn't). But I have not been able to test this hypothesis because in Lake Wanda the giant squid is almost extinct (DEP buttinskys might make trouble!).
Think about this! Vast monocultures of trickory can spring up overnight on any solid surface!
I am happy to say that my neighbor Dr. Leary admired these beautiful new trees, but I should also tell you he thought they were orange and glowed in the dark, which is not exactly correct (green, not orange! but I think Dr. Leary maybe suffers vision disorders from too many years of mind-altering chemical experiments). Also I stopped him just in time from hugging a Trickory that came to his backyard barbecue party, probably from hearing very loud Grateful Deads music.
Ha! Only Grateful Deads should try to hug these trees!
What can I tell you, the Trickory is a tree's tree. It does not care about human beings or Arbor Society or contact with life forms on other planets (don't ask - remember NASA part of grant!).
Like any species, it only cares about getting food, evading its enemies (in this case : giant squid) and reproducing itself all over the place.
Lake Wanda Championship Match!
Five days ago began the Lake Wanda Championship Cricket Match, just finished yesterday, between Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes team and Lake Wanda Arts Heritage Society team. Winners: Lenni Lenapes, naturlich! Final score at end of match (2 innings) was 100 to 3.
As usual I was Umpire! Yes. This is because no one else has such a good memory for 10000 rules, and also because I have nice laboratory coats (NASA).
Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes , told me this game is not played in other villages of Vernon NJ (even though hunderts of children want Vernon Recreation Board to make cricket fields) so therefore I will put a little picture (artist: my neighbor Gladys) to illustrate field positions in realistic and lifelike watercolors:
There, do you see?
Of course, this painting does not show the spectators and bonfires and ambulances and many LWLL drummers on the sidelines.
As Umpire (E) I was watching closely so there would not be too many players on the field, only 11 at a time allowed! I could not find my hat or sunglasses (probably in pocket of another laboratory coat) for the first two days so I could not always see what was happening. Also, a cricket umpire has to take naps sometimes, believe me.
My neighbor Elvis told me not to worry because umpires in many kinds of ballgames are clinically insane or visually impaired or both, and this adds to the excitement for spectators. What is more, my neighbor Dr. Leary was Umpire at town softball games and he told me always to answer critics by saying I Call What I See.
The LWAHs were complaining (crybabies!) that the LWLLs were using 8 foot canoe paddles instead of 38 inch bats, but they complain about this every year. Also that the LWLLs had 100 players on the field at all times, but I did not see this.
Feh. I Call What I See.
A Nice New Tower! Don't Tell!
Maybe you will remember a little while ago, in 1999 maybe, I asked my old friend Sultan of Brunei to please buy the whole town of Vernon and put gondolas, nice canals, boardwalks und so weiter. Maybe you also read in the Wall Street papers that he will make a big secret announcement this summer at the annual Fission For Vernon (FFV)barbecue in Lake Wanda.
But now I will tell you a secret that even the vernonwebs do not know! Don't blab to Townmeisters! Here it is:
I have built a full scale model from pieces of Skylab, plenty more where they came from (my backyard), of a scientific, beautiful radio tower to solve the problems of the nice people in Glenwoods!
Who can blame them for folding their arms against those long, ugly sellphones needles? You call that a tower? Who wants to look out the window and see such a thing in their backyard? Nobody.
But this tower they will love (even though it is many thousands more feet high in the air) and so will the policemen and road workers who will hear everything on their radios clear as a bell from everywhere in the Northern Hemisphere.
Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, says it is okay for FFVSpectrum (Dr. Leary's idea) to put the tower right behind the A&P, and make checks payable to Lake Wanda Lenni Lenape Tribal Gaming Commission, rightful owners of land since Mrs. Vernon lost it to them in a poker game long ago, in colonial times or maybe Pleistocene Era, all the same to me. Also I think Charles Queechee says more than his prayers at times but it is a good location for the tower, plenty of free parking, so shoot me.
The hardest part will be moving the pieces of the tower down Breakneck Road! Before it is dismantled, my neighbor Gladys took a nice snapshot of the tower where it is now (Lake Wanda). Believe me, this tower will look much fancier by the time of the barbecue (shortage of material for the top part, but pieces of MIR are coming down any day now)! Also by then my neighbor Gladys will take down her Christmas lights (appx. 1000000)which I will put on top of the tower, like at Empire State Building in NYC.
My neighbor Elvis tells me the Sultan is heavily invested in telecommunications (a mistake! don't look at me! I advised him to move everything to Krugerrands and precious minerals!) so this tower will add value to S.O.B.'s purchase of the town.
Was ist los! Telecommunications!? I think my neighbor Elvis is crazy from too many tv commercials ! Or maybe this is the brownies talking! I am sure the S.O.B does not think like this.
Who cares about sellphones? Cheap stuff, take it from me. I had one from NASA, leftover parts are somewhere under the couch cushions (but maybe that was the vcr remote control).
No, I built this beautiful tower so all the Birds of North America will have a nice place to sit, right in the middle of Vernon, and watch the people in every neighborhood, in Glenwoods even, and from everywhere the people can watch them back.
Not for nothing, but one look (photo left)at the scientific design of this tower and any schoolchild can see it is for the birds.
This will bring millions and millions of tourists from all over the place!
People don't want to see telecommunications apparatus and sellphones!
They want to see Birds!
An Evening of Culture!
Last night I was invited to a meeting of Lake Wanda Arts and Heritage Society, attended by 100 members of Lake Wanda artistic community. These are people who realize that there is more to life than watching Sci-Fi Channel!
Therefore it was an honor to be an invited guest of this cultural salon, which met at the home of my neighbor Elvis. Also, the refreshments provided by Dr. Leary were top quality!
First I have to tell you, I was surprised to see at the meeting my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes! See? You think you know about a person!
I was all ears when he stood up to give a very nice short story called My Dream Helpers, the Snow Fleas. This story was all about microscopic insects who came to him in the snowy forest when he was asleep or knocked unconscious from something, a UFO or a motorcycle maybe, who can remember? Very metaphysical stuff! I could not follow all of it!
I did my best to imagine how the tiny insects dragged C. Queechee (size XXXL easy) to safety! At the end of the story they asked him to build a bingo parlor in Wawayanda Park. My neighbor Elvis whispered to me that all of C. Queechee's short stories are about dream helpers who tell him to build gambling establishments. Ha! He should be on the Vernon Planningsboard! But I did not say this to C. Queechee. When his story was finished everybody clapped, me included,very polite.
The next artist who stood up was Mrs. Tosca Washington, descended from George Washington (you can tell! looks just like him!), who showed a nice big watercolors painting called Frost On Swamp Roots At Midnight.
I had to shush my neighbor Gladys The Critic to please be quiet ("some painting! looks like Dr. Leary's wallpaper!" etc.). What! She was expecting Herman Rockwell maybe?
But before long everybody except Mrs. Washington (still mad, arms folded) was crying and sobbing when Gladys gave her poem called Five Kittens In A Sack. Between you and me it was very long with an unhappy ending! I cannot believe my neighbor Gladys is secretly writing such poems full of grief and angst (I think maybe this is because fifteen years ago her husband went out into the driveway to get the newspaper and never came back)!
By the time everyone put away their handkerchiefs from this tragical kittens poem I thought my neighbor Elvis would need psychotherapy interventions!
But no, from many years of show business the operation of his mind is not so fragile. In no time he was back fressing brownies (Dr. Leary) like nobody's business! Good thing, because his turn was next, and he gave a nice song he wrote called Squeaky Wheels, all about his heartbreaks, heartbreaks, heartbreaks from ladies in A& P. By this song, he should go to ShopRite from now on! Or Eckerds maybe!
Then we went into the gardens where Mr.Peter Freuchen unveiled big animatronic sculptures made from pieces of Skylab (all from my backyard, plenty more where that came from).
This fantastic and very lifelike creation he named Attack of the Wawayanda Mammoths. My neighbor Dr. Leary said it was very beautiful and scary, but Gladys (puffed up from success of the kittens poem) said it was too big with too many sharp edges.
I think I maybe will stick to SciFi channel from now on unless I begin to have nightmares about A&P shopping carts full of frozen vegetable matter and fleas and kittens. Also I think I will buy from Mr. Freuchen the nice sculptures he made, which will be just the thing for my triffid garden.
[ As in previous years, we have again been privileged to see a copy of correspondence from Dr. E to Santa Claus. It is reprinted here just in case the original letter (written on the back of what appears to be a small white bakery bag) was no longer at its best upon arrival at the North Pole. ]
Dear Santa Claus,
Thank you very much for last year giving me the nice stationery and the new bicycle and bell, just what I needed! Before I forget, please be careful not to go near the garden behind my laboratory this year because the triffids go berserk from loud sleigh bells and I cannot be responsible for your safety. Therefore it is best to land on the roof, not to worry, whole house is built to withstand UFO landings plus weapons of total destruction On the mantelpiece I will again put out for you nice refreshments, a glass of beer (not milk! full of harmful chemicals!) and bag of Linzer tarts.
Now if it is not any trouble I would like you to bring these little items to my friends when you come to Vernon this year:
For my neighbor Gladys, one electric foodmixing apparatus (stainless steel) like on Martha Stewart tv show, also for her brand new station wagon 1 box little pinetree ornaments, scented, for hanging on control panel
For my neighbor Elvis, one nice very large singing rubber fish decoration like on tv commercials
For my neighbor Dr. Leary, one nice Meerschaum pipe (not cheap stuff like his other ones)
For the ladies at Saxony Bakery, each a diamond wristwatch, Patek Phillipe maybe
For my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, a nice wooden rocking chair to prevent backaches from sitting at long political meetings
For Townmeisters, even though they rip up all my scientific proposals, each a gift basket (put Vienna sausage, Mallomars, nice little bottles Mineralswasser)
For my colleagues at Fission For Vernon, even though they are imbeciles, each a nice kit for building model airplane or ship (but not Titanic)
As usual, please do not tell my neighbors where you got these good ideas for their presents.
That is all. For myself, don't even think about it, I have everything I want except maybe another nice box of stationery.
Very truly yours,
FFV Costume Gala!
I went last Saturday night to the Third Annual Fission For Vernon Fundsraising Dance and Gala Costume Party. What can I tell you?
Only a crazy person would say no to Dr. Timothy Leary (FFV refreshment committee Chairman for Life). And who would miss a chance to wear a disguise? Nobody!
Haha! I am sure no one recognized me! From my neighbor Elvis I borrowed a white velvet suit, so many rhinestones on it you could sink a ship, and such a collarstand! Ten inches high,easy! Also a very nice wrapsaround pair of dark sunglasses. Everything too big on me, but so what, I put stuffings and plenty safety pins.
Listen, Elvis does not know the real reason I needed these fancy clothes because it would hurt his feelings, I told him it was for a NASA business meeting, so don't make me sorry I told you about my disguise. Good thing for me, Elvis was not at the party (mad because famous Polka King Jimmy Sturr was hired to give the music). But this is not my point.
At the party in disguise (SpaceGhost costume, very nice) was Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, and I think also some of the Townmeisters and Ganzer Machers of Vernon. Because of my own clever disguise it was for me very easy to stand by the refreshments table (best punch! Dr. Leary's!) and overhear many secret political conversations!
But I mostly wanted to find out if it was true what my neighbor Gladys told me about making Lake Wanda into a sewerwaterspond!! Not for nothing, I was worried about possible effects on a few of my old bioengineering experiments, the giant planarians and a few little (maybe not so little anymore) aquatic triffid varieties, who can remember, it's all in my notes somewhere. I also heard rumors last week from the nice ladies at Saxony Bakery, but maybe it was about the giant planarians in a different sewerwaterspond. I am not the only scientist in Vernon, you know!
But about Lake Wanda I had to find out, because if it was true I would also have to find a new underwater hiding place for my ZiplocStorageBag. This is where I keep many top secret scientific papers (and Krugerrands, naturlich)! My neighbor Gladys, who knows from Ziploc containers better than anybody, told me she thinks the Ziploc would be dissolved by harsh chemicals of the sewerwaterspond!
No Good!! This chemical danger I could not foresee when I put important Ziplocked items in Lake Wanda (next to the swan's nest, across the street from the firehouse, very safe). Feh! What kind of a world, when people have to worry that their important documents and life savings will be destroyed by chemically treated sewerswater!
For this reason behind the refreshments table my ears were sticking out like lobster stalks.
But did I overhear hear anything about Lake Wanda? No.
Only about Mountain Creeks,Mountain Creeks, Mountain Creeks.
Also, let me tell you something, it would make you think twice to see how many Dr. Leary's Brownies a Townmeister could fress in one minute. I was a nervous wretch from the crumbs flying and punch spritzing! No consideration! (For this I was wearing a sparkly white suit, size 46, and missing Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter on tv? )
Pretty soon I gave up listening and asked a very nice lady (disguise: Snow White) to dance. Also I warned her not to take an apple from any Townmeister she meets in the forest, haha! But probably she didn't hear, thanks to loud Jimmy Sturr music, because next minute she told me I looked just like her boss at SCUBA!
So! The Sussex County Underwatersbureau! Right away I brought up (very polite, don't worry)the subject of the Lake Wanda sewerwaterspond.
In no time I found out from Snow White that the Lake Wanda plan was kaput because the SCUBAs could not disturb the wildlife habitat of the Wawayanda Mammoths.
Of course! When I heard this I was amazed at myself for being such a dumbkopf! After all, who proved to Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes Tribal Council Hunting Task Force that those footprints were from Mammoths, not from Godzilla?
I did, but I forgot all about it (and I did not know the local Mammoths were in danger of extinction or whatever), so shoot me.
One good thing, the FFV raised $1000000000. But Charles Queechee told me most of it went to Jimmy Sturr. Between you and me, I think C. Queechee says more than his prayers sometimes.
And I also think FFV should maybe give a nice donation to the ambulance people for taking good care of so many unconscious guests after the party.
For Snow White, who jumped into Lake Wanda with Dr.Leary, I am not responsible.
Back To Big Science! But First ...
After such aggravation from my triffids experiment I am no longer interested in bioengineering. DNA? Feh. Genetic piecework. You want a designer, go to the garment district! I am going back to Big Science!
But first I have a practical matter of helping the MountainCreeks planners, very nice people (which is more than I can say for my imbecile colleagues at Fission For Vernon! No concept of canals or gondolas whatsoever!). This time I will give personally to the MountainCreeksmeisters my proposal, because last time the fellow at the carpark gates ripped it up. He thought it was just an empty bag from Saxony Bakery with my shopping list on the outside! Maybe it was, who knows. All my important scientific proposals look alike. Machts nichts! I had a good time riding my bicycle very fast all over the park! But this is not my point.
Here is the outline of what I can remember from the proposal (official document is under the couch cushions somewhere):
1. Make Mountain Creeks an incorporated village with its own townmeisters and apparatchiks and fire brigades and churches and schools and utilitiesplants (nuclear, naturlich) and police and planningsbureaus ,and maybe a nice castle, and canals all over the place.
2. Put a chain link fence and sentries all around the borders to protect fish and birds and animals from poachers.
3. Make a MountainCreeks contract with Vernon townmeisters just like the Peacocks Tribe did with that town all around Foxwoods. Maybe pay 2 million dollars a year or twenty-five per cent of the park admission proceeds, whichever is greater (this part of the proposal is by Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes).
4. Forget drab wooden buildings, let all the villagers paint their houses bright colors and also put nice lawn ornaments (this part is by my neighbor Gladys).
5. Go finish that Evergreens boulevard from Rt. 515 to MountainCreeksVillage (put colorful signs!) so there will not be buses and cars jammed in Vernon.
6. Put highest possible hills of topsoil and plant nice trees on both sides of Rt 94 like they did at Ringwoods Manor and nobody will ever know there used to be entrances to MountainCreeks. Put a nice bronze marker and maybe barbed wire on both sides of the footbridge.
7. There was more but this is all I can remember for now. Except maybe a little airport because my friend Gov. Whitman says the railroadtrains plan is kaput. Also, one more thing, forget the golfing course because the mountains over there are too pointy and all the golfballs will roll straight down (danger for villagers on bicycles!).
Triffids! Live And Let Live!
Everyone is making trouble, especially the Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, because of a slight miscalculation in my experimental (genetic engineering) garden. Maybe I put a little too much grasshopper DNA in the triffids, so shoot me, my eyesight is not what it was (too much tv according to my neighbor Gladys,who should talk, but who is still my friend).
Listen, do you think I was happy to look out the window and see 200 foot high plants leaping all around ? No. But now my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, is organizing a triffid hunt!
Senseless cruelty! All the triffids should suffer just because of a few giant plants who escaped from my garden? Nobody has been attacked by a giant triffid in New Jersey for a hundert years! Except maybe the man who drives the Good Humor truck past my property no matter how many times I warned him. Such aggravating noise from that truck, like a berserker music box! Who could blame a plant for lashing out! But this is not my point.
I tried to explain that a triffid is no danger as long as everyone keeps perfectly quiet , but right away you should have heard the screaming, and next minute my buttinsky neighbor Elvis called the police. A waste of their valuable time! By five minutes the triffids were in Glenwoods already! You could see them for 50 miles around!
I told the big machers from Fish, Game and Plantlife that I would gladly prepare a nice chemical formula to tranquilize the triffids so they could remove them to a less populated area, like Governor Whitman's farm maybe (also I told them the Sprint telecommunications engineers were expressing interest in my experimental plants). But by then Charles Queechee was already organizing a war party to hunt and destroy all the triffids!
See? I am sorry to tell you : the FG&P and the Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes have no respect for Science. They are afraid of things they cannot control , just like the nudniks in the stories on SciFi Channel!
Meantime, if a triffid comes to your property, just stand still and be quiet! What is so hard?
Also please do not go swimming or fishing in Lake Wanda until I have located the giant (12 ft. when last seen) planaria who escaped from my laboratory tank. I think I might have put too much octopus DNA, or maybe it was muskellunge DNA, or both. Not to worry, I will correct the measurements next time (if I can remember where I left my notes).
Lake Wanda Artifacts! Biggest Yet!
Listen to this, kultur mavens!!! The Ancestral Bingo Preservation Committee of the Lake Wanda Lenni Lenape Tribal Council has for preservation staked out the earth right where I am building my proposed new laboratory addition!
Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes (and also my roofing contractor), says that the ancient gaming tchotchkes in the ground over here are eclipsing the fantastische paleological finds at the A&P excavation already! Thousands of prehistoric dice, sacred bingo amulets, poker chips, pawn markers and bar coasters!! Yes. This is bigger than the discovery of the Ancient Tribal Casino underneath the recycling center!!!
Very exciting, nicht wahr? But wait! The Lake Wanda Daughters of the American Revolution are also applying for my property to be preserved by the state because they have found Early American Colonial Artifacts in there! Yes! Over a hundert cannon balls from George Washington!
This I can understand! What soldiers would want to schlep those big things all the way up Canistear Road to Rt.23 in wintertime, with Indians everywhere shooting at them and wolves snapping at their heels!?
Also the very bossy LWDAR ladies confiscated from my hamster's cage that book I bought at a yard sale last summer, "How We Founded Lake Wanda" by Virginia Dare. I offered to give them an autographed copy of "Nuclear Fusion For Dummies" instead but they were not interested. According to my neighbor Gladys, who quit the LWDAR when they did not pick her for big boss, this is because their leader is a first class unscientific yenta who doesn't know from classy books. Listen, I didn't argue about losing the book and neither would you if you saw this LWDAR lady, such a shtarke (biceps size 44 easy), when a hamster's life hung in the balance!
But let me tell you, this artifacts business is kinderspiel compared to what happened when I first built my laboratory over here! I had to dig everything all by myself! Nobody was around here except the Lenni Lenapes and maybe one or two motorcycle gangs, all lazy good-for-nothings! This time I will have plenty help to dig out all the rocks and pieces of Skylab in the yard for removal to museums.
Of course I told the apparatchiks at the State Architecturaldiggingsbureau that I am not responsible for what happens to the diggers when they are excavating near my laboratory gardens. From so much rain, the triffids are already gigantic this year! I have also notified the proper authorities (don't ask, secret gov't contract!) that this may interfere with my triffid biotechnology experiments, so this problem may delay the excavation project for 25 years. Who cares! Time is relative!
Maybe in the meanwhile I can develop a nuclear powered artifact detector, but I think if it is combined with my nuclear powered bug zapper it will put on the fritz all the utility companies in six states. So the townmeisters will have to decide which is more important, zapping all the mosquitoes in Vernon or detecting all the artifacts in Vernon.
See? If the townmeisters had not ripped up my scientific proposal for canals downtown there would be plenty of hydroelectric energy from the Black Creek Dam, but no. This is not my point, however!
My point is that now, because of these setbacks, I will have to conduct important research (effect of certain garlic varieties on U.S. weather patterns) in a rented circus tent until my permanent laboratory addition structure can be built.
TOWN CENTER DEVELOPMENT! Problem Solved!
The vernonwebs have sent me many polite emails and a nice gift basket (fruit! Linzer tarts! A little calculator from Popular Science!) because they think I have been sick. Wrong! I have never been better!
Now I will tell you what has distracted me from the sturm und drang of Vernon for all this time: I have just sent to the townmeisters my proposal for Vernon Underground Town Center Village and Destination Resort .
Yes! Haha! This solves everything, nicht wahr? Wait until you see the plans!
An entire shopping village, but beneath the crust of the earth , like Disney underground pirates village ride (which also has canals, just like my plan)! Beneath the surface of downtown Vernon there will be nice boardwalks and stores and movie theatres everywhere as far as the eye can see. You will not even know you are underground! It will be bright as day! Beautiful, very lifelike best quality imported plastic (and some titanium) trees and flowers all down the boulevard! I have of course included plans for the most advanced nuclear-powered environmental controls to make sure the air will be fresh as a daisy even under heaviest interstate motor vehicle traffic conditions!
But wait! Here is the beauty part! At the entrance to the underground village, sensors to detect Vernon E-Z Pass tags! Residents will receive the tags for free - all others pay a toll! Even bicycles and pedestrians!
There will be 10,000 convenient parking places on the Main Boulevard of the village and, in the future, a nice 700 room hotel with tennis, swimming pools, 18 hole golf course and Indian Bingo (my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, put in this expansion idea).
Think of it! No more property tax, thanks to the revenue from Vernon E-Z Pass! No more disappointments from bad weather! Open 24 hours! Every kind of shopping and restaurants! Movies, $1.50 at all times! And far above, on the surface, plenty of room for more bears and birds and ski resorts and farms and schools and houses.
My attorney, Dr. Leary, tells me that the land use laws will not be an obstacle in this case except maybe for the nice 6-lane tunnel entrance on Rt. 94 property next to Aviva Plaza. Therefore, unless the townmeisters once again rip up my scientific proposal and blueprints (not really blue because they are drawn on Saxony Bakery bags), the Vernon Underground Town Center can be built in no time!
Early American Colors! Not from NASA!
So now, all of a sudden, I should worry about the color of the new roof on my laboratory? Is this the thanks I get from the Townmeisters for coordinating the Municipal Building Wall Colors Focus Group Subcommittee of Fission for Vernon last year? Feh!
Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes and also my roof contractor, told me that the Townmeisters will not approve the roof he made for me! So I cannot occupy my nice and very improved scientific laboratory! I have to make a new roof all over again but with dull colors.
Was ist los!? It's not enough that the Townmeisters rip up all my scientific planning proposals year after year?
Now I have to obey their Colors Gestapo??!
They (CG) explained to C. Queechee that since I already paid for the roof it's no big deal, because I won't lose any money from ripping it away and putting another one, which is very fuzzy arithmetic even for gestapo, if you ask me. But that is not my point.
It just so happens my new roof is like every other laboratory roof designed by NASA for this purpose (don't ask)! ! Also I put 300 big plastic Christmas trees (from Hammacher Schlemmer! very lifelike!) all around so nobody can see in, which C. Queechee told me I should not have done because now the Townmeisters say to rip them out and put real trees!
So tell me, who do I listen to:
(a) people who give me grant money and tell me what kind of roof, or
(b) kibitzers who give me nothing, but who don't like my plastic trees and glow-in-the-dark lime green titanium alloy roof tiles?
[To solve this problem you don't have to be a rocket scientist!]
My neighbors are not complaining, and they have all lived here in Lake Wanda many years, not far away like the nudniks from the Townmeisterplanningsbureau! Only this morning my neighbor Elvis called Charles Queechee to ask about putting the same nice trees and NASA roof at his place, but maybe with pink tiles!
I don't think it will look as nice as lime green (mine). Also, Charles Queechee agrees with me that prolonged exposure to pink is dangerously irritating to the central nervous system.
But so what! Anybody who stares for hours at their neighbor's roof already has a deranged nervous system , no?
Now I am waiting to hear back from my good friend Gov. Whitman, who should only know what these crazies are doing. I hope she flies here in a helicopter, like she did last summer for the Fission for Vernon barbeque picnic! Thanks to my new roof it will be very easy for her to find Lake Wanda this time, even at night!
Meanwhile I think I will pay my town taxes with (fake) Early American colonial money, which has very dull colors, and does not glow in the dark.
Twentieth Century! The Lists of Great Things!
I am reading in the papers and magazines about the Greatest Things of the 20th Century, all about computers and the Internet and Mr. Bill Gates and so forth.
Are these people crazy?
The greatest thing of the 20th Century is TELEVISION!!!
This is the most fantastic and magical thing in the history of the material world! Right in everyone's house! You can put a hammer through my computer, so what, I'll use the blackboard or paper and pencil and slide rule, but don't go near my beautiful television!
Which reminds me, what was the movie projector, chopped liver? You can make a paperweight out of every computer monitor, who cares, they have given the world bupkis compared to the magnificent Silver Screen! Go try to watch Gone With The Wind on your 14 inch computer screen!
Another very nice 20th Century thing nobody mentions is the automobile. I never owned one (driving! too much concentration required!)but take it from me, for getting from point A to point B they are much better than a horse or a bicycle, especially in winter.
I do not include the aeroplane on a list of the century's greatest things because this invention comes from thousands of years ago, from space aliens maybe.
One last thing: if you ask me, the greatest person of the Twentieth Century was Mr. Thomas Edison.
Live like him!
ed. note: the following correspondence was entrusted to VWeb staff for safekeeping, but we could not resist copying it here. Hope Dr. E forgives us, in keeping with the holiday spirit...
Dear Santa Claus,
Hello to everyone there at North Pole! Don't worry, on Dec. 24 bedtime I will put a nice cup of coffee and plate of linzer tarts for you on the mantelpiece like always, and also carrots for Wolfgang the reindeer . Or maybe this is Rudolf, the one with the red face (who can remember?). Now here is the list:
For my neighbor Gladys a nice housedress, best quality, size 44, favorite color is purple.
For my neighbor Charles Queechee, Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes, a nice big box of cigars
For my neighbor Elvis a nice pair of fancy slippers, size Large (please check records), best is black velvet
For my neighbor Dr. Leary a model plane kit, extra glue if not too much trouble
For my colleagues at Fission For Vernon (scientific planning group), each a nice box of marzipan, fruit shapes if possible
For the ladies at Saxony Bakery each one a nice diamond necklace like on tv (commercial with the shadows and violins)
Do not tell my nice neighbors where you got the ideas for their presents. They do not know I write these letters. Hah! None of them know from computers or Internet either, so forget those items around here, lucky for you!
For myself, a new bicycle bell if possible.
I am hoping for a miracle that there will be no major disruptions of your worldwide system next year when everything electronic is kaput.
Very truly yours,
Our records dating back many, many years indicate that we have repeatedly advised you of our policy re: ineligibility of persons who do not write their own letters and probably no longer believe in our existence. Please be advised of this policy once again.
However, as always, we will fill the entire order for your sake.
Wolfgang has suggested that it is time for us to bring you a new bicycle to go with the new bell. Nobody ever argues with him.
Thank you for your concern about our continued activity in the new millenium. Rest assured that we have never been reliant on electricity in any way.
It has not escaped our attention that you have consistently given ninety-five per cent of your income to organizations assisting the poor. Well done, E!
You didn't ask for it, but we'll bring you a nice box of stationery so you don't always have to write your letters on those little bakery bags.
A Million Hugs,
Donuts! A Big Deal!
I have just returned from a little visit to Switzerland and I am very glad to be back here in Lake Wanda, which is a much nicer place with not so many snobbische people and war criminals. But what do I find when I return? Big Trouble about the Dunkin Donuts!!!
Personally I am from the Saxony Bakery crowd, but so what? I do not tell the bakers how they should make linzer tarts, and they do not tell me E=mc whatever. And so far nobody tells me I should remove the 50 ft. glow-in-the-dark aluminium panels from my laboratory roof (how would the space aliens find Lake Wanda if I put a different siding?). Form follows function!
Therefore I was unprepared when my neighbor Gladys pushed at me a paper criticizing the Donuts, that it does not look nice!
So today, in the interest of scientific inquiry , and to find out what's the big deal, I went with Gladys in her station wagon ( I still have not fixed my bicycle from the pothole in A&P parking lot.) to Church Street for a look at the DunkinDonuts.
From Gladys I nearly had 100 heart attacks on the way! Such driving, all over the road, waving both hands and muttering about the Donuts that only Elvis would like these gaudy colors , not colonial looking, etc.
What, she was expecting George
Washington? I blame the supermarket magazines (Gladys lives by them).
One look at the Donuts and let me tell you, if this is the Burning Issue of Vernon I am very disappointed. A paper against the 1000000 overhead power lines between 515 and Church Street, that I could understand! A paper against potholes I could understand! But a paper against certain elements of the visible spectrum appearing on a store sign, no.
True, like I explained to Gladys, I can never understand the complex color theories put forward in Better Wives and Gardens or whatever. So shoot me.
Besides, this is from Pavlov's best work! One look at those Donuts colors anywhere in the world and you are crazy for donuts and coffee! Unless millions of behavioral scientists have all lived in vain, such a stimulus-response mechanism is elementary for Nosh vendors worldwide! If certain colors did not stimulate certain appetites, everything would be wrapped in plain brown paper!
I would not take time out from my important scientific work (Effect of Bug Zappers on U.S. Weather Patterns) to discuss this matter if I did not foresee a Public Danger: namely, if the Donuts look is changed it will have an impact on immense systems throughout the entire universe!
I think maybe there are much more serious changes already set in motion to worry about!
For now, eat donuts, drink coffee and be merry before all the microchips turn everything off.
Overheard From The Lower Depths! Revolution!
So, Charles Queechee (Chief of Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes) will not be running in the Townmeister election after all.
You are amazed? That's nothing! Listen to this!
The Lake Wanda Lenni Lenapes are now making a plan to spin off (just like on tv!) from Vernon and have their own Town of Lake Wanda!
How do I know? Because yesterday it took me a very long time to find my bicycle in the A&P parking lot, which I finally did, but in the middle of everything I had to take a nap from so long trying to get it out of the pothole, 10 feet deep, you try it sometime. But this is not my point.
When I woke up and remembered where I was (pothole), good thing I didn't yell! Because at that moment I overheard a secret political conversation!!
Yes, none other than C. Queechee and my neighbor Elvis, drinking RC Cola (Elvis, private reserve) and schmoozing between their limousines by RJ Mars department store!
Natürlich, my ears went out like lobster stalks! All the better to hear C. Queechee telling Elvis the spin-off plan, and that he shouldn't worry, because there would be a Lenni Lenape Performing Arts And Bingo Center first thing, and Elvis could be one of the big machers! And plenty other things, because the Lenni Lenapi Tribal Council would be the government, case closed!
Only because it started raining cats and dogs (a person could drown in that pothole) I called out for help, and that is when I was discovered!
Of course I told them I heard everything. Two minutes later I was glad to see my neighbor Gladys coming out of Eckerd Drug Store, but not before C. Queechee and Elvis offered to give me top salary at Town of Lake Wanda University and Nuclear Plant. Feh! Two things I never liked, school bosses and nuclear plants! Therefore I said No Thanks, very polite, and went with Gladys in her station wagon , bike fits in the back, next stop Saxony Bakery.
Like I told my neighbor Gladys on the way home, I think maybe the government of the Lenni Lenapes would not be much different from the Vernon Townmeisters anyway. Neither group cares about potholes.
- Dr. E